04 Brutal parson’s invasion

Of course that after the beginning of the brutal cannonade all the knuckleheads hustling to the chapel fell like rotted pears, but my comrade still could not enjoy satisfyingly. His sexual desire rose unevenly with the desire of the princess alias prude, which was a severe fault.

-- What shall I do, I unhappy one, when she is such big proffesional?!

-- You just have to take, my friend, no other advices.

-- She got over an enormous training and I will come much earlier than it'd be enough for her satisfaction.

Oh great, and one has no better work than solve such problems. I’m no expert on such things though.

-- I will help you if necessary, -- I screamed at him and tried to hold back all the invaders that jostled in and tried to disrupt his happy coexistence with missy.

-- Only one thing will help here, our new advertising erection strenghtener, -- one advertising agent who was passing by spoke up and tried to force his product upon me.

And right this saved his life, because right this kind of individual isn’t worth even shooting.

-- So what, how close are you to “ that“? – I was curious so I could know how long I had to keep the invaders on distance.

-- Eight milimeters to the north.

-- What?! – I didn’t understand, but I started to envy him a little as well. Suddenly, the bombarders started fly around  and started to aim directly to the windows of the chapel.

-- Oh, damn, it seems like complications – my comrade spoke up.

-- Ah, it seems that your girlfriend has already learned about your activities.

-- Leave it! Just now before the orgasm?!

-- You’ll have to interrupt your activity, -- I’m adding with angelic voice.

-- Never, I simply won’t let this get away.

-- It will not be it with prude, don’t you think?

And then I realized that we were really in quagmire. From the distance, a black jacket started to approach, holding an incense in his hand filled with fart of our mayor.

-- Goddamned, this will not end well, -- I speak quietly, knowing that it really can‘t.

-- O, big saint Brahma, o great Vishna and Buddha, deliver us from Evil, -- the priestty recited and slashed with rubber hose right and left.

-- Wow, he is twitching his hand like at the rail crossing when the 50 years old train is going so everybody’d get out of its way to prevent it from breaking, -- I talk inside, not knowing, what next.

-- Please, just don’t let him in, I will soon come, -- the friend shouts in Es-dur key, from which I subsequently get headache like devil.

-- Stop! The priests cannot get here, it’s a forbidden zone.

-- O, saint Jehova, o, saint Krshna, expel this Satan from here!

-- Stop, or I will shoot the rosary!

04 Brutálny vpád farára

Jasnačka, že po začatí brutálnej kanonády všetci debkovci ponáhľajúci sa do modlitebne popadali ako hnilé hrušky, ale môj kamoš si stále nemohol spokojne užívať. Jeho pohlavná túžba totiž stúpala nerovnomerne s túžbou princeznej čiže puritánky, a to bola závažná chyba.

-- Čo si počnem, ja nešťastný, keď ona je taká profesionálka?!

-- No, priateľu, musíš zabrať, iné ti neporadím.

-- Má za sebou obrovský tréning a ja sa urobím oveľa skôr, než by stačilo na jej uspokojenie.

No super, a človek aby ešte riešil aj takéto jeho problémy. Ale na toto ja už odborník nie som.

-- Pomôžem ti, keď bude treba, -- zakričal som na neho a snažil sa zadržať všetkých votrelcov, čo sa pchali dnu a snažili sa narušiť jeho spokojné spolunažívanie so slečnou.

-- Tuná pomôže len jediné, náš nový reklamný posilňovač erekcie, -- ozval sa jeden reklamný agent, čo išiel okolo a snažil sa mi vnútiť svoj produkt.

No a práve to mu zachránilo život, lebo práve takýto jedinec nestojí ani len za to zastrelenie.

-- No čo, ako blízko si k „tomu“? – bol som zvedavý, aby som vedel, ako dlho ešte musím držať votrelcov na dištanc.

-- Osem milimetrov severne.

-- Čo?! – nechápal som, ale začal som mu trocha aj závidieť. Vtom začali okolo lietať bombardéry a začali si to cieliť rovno na okná modlitebne.

-- Ach, doriti, tuším komplikácie, -- ozval sa kamoš.

--No, zdá sa, že tvoja frajerka sa už o tvojich počinoch dozvedela.

-- Daj pokoj, teraz pred vyvrcholením?!

-- Budeš musieť činnosť prerušiť, -- dodávam anjelským hlasom.

-- Nikdy, toto si jednoducho nenechám ujsť.

-- S puritánkou to aj tak nebude ono, nemysliš?

A vtom som vedel, že sme naozaj v kaši. Z diaľky sa totiž začal približovať čiernokabátnik a v ruke držal kadidlo naplnené prdom nášho starostu.

-- Boha, tak toto dobre nedopadne, -- vravím si potichu, vediac, že naozaj nemôže.

-- Ó, veľký svätý Brahma, o veľký Višna a Buddha, zbav snás Zlého, -- reicitoval kňažko a zaháňal sa gumovou hadicou napravo i naľavo.

-- Fíha, myká tou rukou ako na železničnom priecestí keď ide 50 rokov starý vlak, aby sa mu všetci pratali z cesty, inak sa rozbije, -- vravím si v duchu, ale neviem, čo ďalej.

-- Prosím, len ho sem nepusti, ja už čoskoro budem, -- vrieska kamarát v tónine Es dur, z čoho ma následne rozbolí hlava ako šľak.

-- Stáť! Sem kňazi nesmú, toto je zakázaná zóna.

-- Ó, svätý Jehova, ó, svätý Krišna, vyžeň tohto satana odtiaľto!

-- Stáť, lebo strelím ruženec!

03 On guard of the chapel during the sex

Ha, but if you intend to have fun here and now with our princess, use a protective tool at least, -- I objected.

-- Tool isn’t necessary, -- my friend retorted and already floated under his own weight caused by his own passion exactly in contrast with gravitation falling up directly on her figure.

-- Oh, for Christ’s wounds, what will arise from all of this, -- I am talking to myself.

-- Come, my dear, we'll have good time together, -- he added and then he was casted on her and he started rending clothes from her in slow motion.

-- Jerk, crowned jerk, you will get a sickness from it or there’ll be consequences, -- I am talking dissatisfied.

-- Ignore it and just continue, -- a prude turned to princess says.

Meanwhile, he rended the whole upper part of her clothes and he continued with lower one.

-- Sex is not a good idea. She wants to lure you to a trap and then you shall see, -- I object, but, understandably, he is not listening.

-- Ignore him, my love, we will be in seventh heaven of pleasures, -- she says. And he just obeys her and obeys her like a horse.

Meanwhile, other folks enter the chapel and search a possibility for relaxing a little and meditating.

-- Ha, and what now, you didn‘t presume this, dumb ass, did you?!

The first three comers only stare speechless at the whole scene and don’t understand how they are to react correctly on it. No such things are done in chapels!

How to handle? – I am asking my sock. Mute. How to handle? – I am asking my shoe. Mute. How to handle? – I am asking my watch.

-- Machine gun, -- it answers.

-- Where to obtain?

-- It’ll rain for you.

-- Rubbish.

Whop, and I already was by the window plane, sweeping the rainwater from the gutter directly to my T-shirt so I could throw it to camping fridge which was forgotten there by someone and shape the machine rifle from it.

-- Stand in the middle of the door and patrol! – the watch ordered.

-- Ow, -- I answer briefly.

By the chapel entrance, the individuals shedded and I just glared at them and observed them replenishing the room. And what now, goddamned?

-- Pull the trigger! – the watch added.

As I was standing outside, I started pulling the trigger suddenly. Ratatatatatatatatatata, the folks rolled on the ground like drunk and nobody continued their journey.

-- Aww, and this is what kind of work?! Are we in Syria or what?!

03 Na stráži kaplnky pri sexe

Ha, ale keď už zamýšľaš sa tuná teraz zabávať s našou princeznou, aspoň použi ochrannú pomôcku, -- namietol som.

-- Pomôcku netreba, -- odsekol kamarát a už sa aj vznášal svojou vlastnou váhou pôsobením svojej vlastnej vášne presne kontrastne gravitácii padajúc nahor rovno na jej postavu.

-- Ach, pre Kristove rany, no čo z tohoto povstane, -- vravím si v duchu.

-- Poď, moja milá, bude nám spolu dobre, -- dodal on a už bol aj na ňu vrhnutý a začal z nej pomaly strhávať šaty.

-- Blb, korunovaný blb, dostaneš z toho chorobu alebo budú následky, -- vravím nespokojne.

-- Nevšímaj si to, len pokračuj, -- vraví puritánka premenená na princeznú.

Medzitým jej už strhol celú vrchnú časť šiat a pokračoval spodnou.

-- Sex nie je dobrý nápad. Chce ťa nalákať do pasce a potom ti ukáže, -- namietam, ale on ma, pochopiteľne, nepočúva.

-- Nevšímaj si ho, láska, budeme spolu v siedmom nebi rozkoší, -- vraví ona. A on ju len poslúcha a poslúcha ako kôň.

Medzitým však do modlitebne vstupujú ďalší ľudkovia a hľadajú možnosť sa trocha uvoľniť a meditovať.

-- Ha, a čo teraz, s týmto si nerátal, blbeček, že?!

Prví traja príchodzí len nemo čumia na celý výjav a nechápu, ako naň treba správne zareagovať. Takéto veci sa v modlitebniach nerobia!

Ako si poradiť? – pýtam sa svojej ponožky. Nemá. Ako si poradiť? – pýtam sa svojej topánky. Nemá. Ako si poradiť? – pýtam sa svojich hodiniek.

-- Samopal, -- odpovedia.

-- Kde zohnať?

-- Naprší ti.

-- Trepeš.

Šup, a už som aj bol pri okennej doske a zhŕňal som dažďovú vodu z jarka rovno do trička, aby som ju hodil do kempingovej chladničky, čo si tam dakto zabudol a vyformoval z nej samopal.

-- Staň si doprostred dverí a hliadkuj! – rozkázali hodinky.

-- Fúha, -- odpoviem krátko.

Pri vchode do modlitebne sa trúsili jedinci a ja som len civel na nich a pozoroval, ako dopĺňajú stavy vnútri. Boha, no a čo teraz?

-- Stlač spúšť, idiot! – dodali hodinky.

Ako som stál vonku, naraz som začal stláčať spúšť. Ratatatatatatatatatata, ľudkovia sa sypali na zem ako opití a nikto nepokračoval v ceste.

-- Fúha, a toto je čo za robota?! Čo sme v Sýrii, či čo?!

02 Reconciliation with prude on the horizon

Since the attack was really frontal, the prude lied on the ground like a drunk slut after the tenth act, unable to recover. We really wondered how to handle it, but no ideas were coming. Suddenly, an unexpected feeling just flew into my nob – let’s splash her with iced mineral water! I brought iced mineral water, splashed the prude, but no result. Still lying there like nuts. So, what is it now? Then, my friend got a different idea – salt over gold! He brought a little dose of salt and sifted it directly to her crotch. Supposedly for a bigger effect. Nothing.

Damn, this is so fucked, I said, and I also wondered how to repair this quagmire, to which we’ve just sailed.  Ha, of course. Cigarette! I pulled out of my pocket a roll of white and yellow matter, heated it through adequately and let’s push it to her nipple! She jumped like being thrown from the saddle by two hundred kilos heavy tarpan horse.

– You pigs! What are you doing here?! You’ve  came here certainly only to spoil my delightful prayer! You don’t believe in my Satan, so get out of here!

We believe, we believe, mostly the electoral promises – I tried to answer.

–For this, you must buy me a gold cross and a diamond prayer book as well!

–Regrettably we don’t have this, we have only paper one with a substantial discount for a ridiculous subscription of  5 euros.—the friend spoke up.

–  So give it or you will see! – she answered and jumped and stuck herself to the ceiling. In that moment, she turned to a beautiful princess. What to say, LSD that we had taken before this action, had done its task.

Wow, I'll give to you everything you will want. – my friend answered completely flattered and started pulling out his prayer book from his pocket. I felt that mine was somehow tight in my pants as well.

– Tell me, how many times a day you usually pray before the altar of your goddess of fertility?!  -- the princess spilled.

-- Due to regulations of course, at least three times a day. – my friend answered.

-- And do you want to go to that altar now as well, or do you feel somehow bored already?

-- I like altars and everything connected with prayer, -- my friend answered and sneezed.

-- Don’t be silly, -- I say, pointing at the ceiling of the chapel, playing flashing colors as wild and I add: You don’t have a hammer with you to prevent unlucky consequences if your prayer is heard.

-- I have everything that is necessary, -- he added and threw away the cover from his prayer book.

-- You need a hammer! A sickle won’t do! – I’m saying.

-- It will be sufficient for preventing consequences.

-- Sure, but you‘ll never more pray.

-- Do not want to thwart it, you asexual.

02 Zmier s puritánkou na obzore

Nakoľko útok bol skutočne frontálny, puritánka ležala na zemi ako taká ožratá štetka po desiatom čísle a nevedela sa spamatať. Boli sme zvedaví, ako si s tým poradiť, ale nápady neprichádzali. Naraz mi len tak vletelo do kotrby neočakávané zdanie – oblejme ju ľadovou minerálkou! Doniesol som ľadovú minerálku, oblial som puritánku, ale nič z toho. Stále tam ležala ako šibnutá. Nuž, čo už teraz? Kamarát potom dostal iný nápad – soľ nad zlato! Doniesol dózičku soli a nasypal ju rovno do jej rozkroku. Vraj pre väčšiu účinnosť. Nič.

Dopekla, tak toto je v hajzli, vravím si aj ja a rozmýšľam, ako napraviť túto kašu, do ktorej sme sa dostali. Ha, no jasné. Cigareta! Vytiahol som z vrecka šúľanček bieložltej hmoty, primerane ju rozžeravil a šup s ňou pritlačiť ju na bradavku! Vyskočila, ako keby ju práve vyhodil zo sedla dvestodesaťkilový kôň tarpan.

– Vy svine, čo tu robíte, veď vy ste sem prišli, aby ste mi tu kazili moju rozkošnú modlitbu! Vy neveríte v môjho satana, tak vypadnite!

Veríme, veríme, najmä predvolebným sľubom, -- opáčil som odpovedať.

–Za toto mi musíte kúpiť zlatý krížik a diamantovú modlitebnú knižku!

–To žiaľ nemáme, máme iba papierovú s výraznou zľavou za smiešny príspevok 5 eur.—ozval sa kamarát.

–  Tak navaľte, inak bude zle! – odpovedala a vyskočila a prilepila sa na strop. V tej chvíli sa premenila na krásnu princeznú. Raz darmo, LSD, ktoré sme si dali pred touto akciou, urobilo svoje.

 Fúha, no tebe dám všetko, čo budeš chcieť. – odvetil kámoš celý uveličený a začal vyťahovať z vrecka modlitebnú knižku. Ja som cítil, ako je tej mojej v nohaviciach akosi tesno.

– Povedz, koľkokrát za deň sa zvykneš modliť pred oltárom tvojej bohyne plodnosti?!  -- sypalo sa z priceznej.

-- No podľa toho, ako je predpísané, aspoň trikrát denne. – kámoš na to.

-- A chceš ísť na ten oltár aj teraz, alebo ti je tu už akosi pridlho?

-- Ja mám rád oltáre a všetko, čo je spojené s modlitbou, -- odvetil kámoš a kýchol.

-- Neblbni, vravím ja, ukazujúc na strop kaplnky hrajúci blikajúcimi farbami ako besný a dopĺňam: Nemáš pri sebe kladivo na zabránenie neblahých dôsledkov, ak bude modlitba vypočutá.

-- Ja mám všetko, čo treba, -- dodal on a zahodil aj obal od modlitebnej knižky.

-- Kladivo treba! Kosák nestačí! – vravím ja.

-- Ale hej, na zabránenie následkov stačí aj kosák.

-- Hej, ale potom sa už nikdy modliť nebudeš.

-- Nechci mi to prekaziť, asexuál.

01 Frontal attack on the prude

Not including the fact that the whole calendar on the wall catched fire sharply and started symbolizing the start of the war of Muslim Brotherhood for the freedom when I was lighting the toilet paper with a match at the toilette so I’d not need to throw it away and then pick off the shithouse, nothing extraordinary happened that day. The fact that I had splashed the calendar slightly with petrol when I had used it the last time as a mat because my boots were muddy and I didn’t want to mess a garage, escaped my attention somehow.

Hooray, glory to the winners, honour to the wiped out ones! – I screamed until I broke the lightbulb with my vocal chords which was not a problem since I had oodles of substitutes in my cabinet. Unfortunately for me, there was no space left for my clothes and I had to keep them at the place where it was suitable – it was in the middle of my room where cola usually spilt so I covered the spots on my couple of weeks old carpet at least.

I wanted to go to the cinema, but I knew that only goofs were shown there not interesting for anyone because they’d been already seen hundred times by everyone so me and my friend chose a more interesting thing to do. We knew about a pious acquaintance praying lambada a couple of times every day for deceased in order to convert the believers to the right branch of protestantism so we wanted to amuse her a little. As we entered the solitary chapel, there was a gigantic altar with depiction of dinosaur and Flying Spaghetti Monster.

The old prude stood and kneeled in the middle of the room and she prayed: „Oh, great Allah, give us all peace and don’t bother us! Oh, great and almighty Satan, let the UFO come here on flying saucer and take us the further the better! Oh, almighty gods, protect us before the traps of this world!“ As she was speaking, she suddenly started  doing small movements, dancing the dance of drunk ma’am and invoking the divinity louder and louder. And now we decided this was the right moment.

I blew my fair whistle and my friend launched a few shots from his water pistol. It was routed directly to the phizog of the pious prude, as she was performing 78 pose from Kamasatanra. Then I shouted into a megaphone: "I am here and I saved you from the evil earl James Cook who discovered New Zealand and he is about to drag us all to that place!" Boy, she yelled like she was just driven to orgasm by souped Hviezdoslav of larger-than-life size. And then she fell down. And us, standing there helpless, bowing down over her, didn’t have a clue what to do the next.