01 Frontal attack on the prude

Not including the fact that the whole calendar on the wall catched fire sharply and started symbolizing the start of the war of Muslim Brotherhood for the freedom when I was lighting the toilet paper with a match at the toilette so I’d not need to throw it away and then pick off the shithouse, nothing extraordinary happened that day. The fact that I had splashed the calendar slightly with petrol when I had used it the last time as a mat because my boots were muddy and I didn’t want to mess a garage, escaped my attention somehow.

Hooray, glory to the winners, honour to the wiped out ones! – I screamed until I broke the lightbulb with my vocal chords which was not a problem since I had oodles of substitutes in my cabinet. Unfortunately for me, there was no space left for my clothes and I had to keep them at the place where it was suitable – it was in the middle of my room where cola usually spilt so I covered the spots on my couple of weeks old carpet at least.

I wanted to go to the cinema, but I knew that only goofs were shown there not interesting for anyone because they’d been already seen hundred times by everyone so me and my friend chose a more interesting thing to do. We knew about a pious acquaintance praying lambada a couple of times every day for deceased in order to convert the believers to the right branch of protestantism so we wanted to amuse her a little. As we entered the solitary chapel, there was a gigantic altar with depiction of dinosaur and Flying Spaghetti Monster.

The old prude stood and kneeled in the middle of the room and she prayed: „Oh, great Allah, give us all peace and don’t bother us! Oh, great and almighty Satan, let the UFO come here on flying saucer and take us the further the better! Oh, almighty gods, protect us before the traps of this world!“ As she was speaking, she suddenly started  doing small movements, dancing the dance of drunk ma’am and invoking the divinity louder and louder. And now we decided this was the right moment.

I blew my fair whistle and my friend launched a few shots from his water pistol. It was routed directly to the phizog of the pious prude, as she was performing 78 pose from Kamasatanra. Then I shouted into a megaphone: "I am here and I saved you from the evil earl James Cook who discovered New Zealand and he is about to drag us all to that place!" Boy, she yelled like she was just driven to orgasm by souped Hviezdoslav of larger-than-life size. And then she fell down. And us, standing there helpless, bowing down over her, didn’t have a clue what to do the next.